It’s interesting how our lives change and move according to the circumstances around us. I feel as though we all try so hard to control and adjust what goes on around us. After all, we battle decision daily that have direct impacts on both our lives, and the lives around us. Working in the health industry, the decision to change or not change ones habits is one I am constantly confronted with. Perhaps you have gotten news from the doctor that your health just isn’t in the state it needs to be and you need to make drastic (and yes, hard) changes. Perhaps it’s just getting out and walking few times a week. Or maybe it’s to put down the drink and the cigarettes… or the sugar. Though some may look on to these changes and see them as easy, they aren’t for the person attempting them, and yet they are no less important. Perhaps the hardest thing in the world is what’s best for us when it comes to improving our health.
But I digress…
The past year of my life has been quite literally life changing. I had my son. Forget where I live, my job, the circumstances around me. That alone is monumental. And four months in, I am starting to realize just how monumental.
This time last year I was in one of, if not the most, amazing stages of my life. I was about to graduate from yoga teacher training. Oh how I wish I could explain to those who haven’t experienced something as life changing as that was what it meant and what it did for me. I had finally found something that spoke to the deepest parts of my being unlike anything I had found before. The anxiety I have battled, and continue to battle was just a ghost with the tools I had been given and had found I could practice daily. As long as I was on my mat and spending time with those who felt the same, everything was going to be A-OK.
Fast forward two months. Sean and I moved back to Colorado, a decision I am so happy we made. He is much happier here and I would never change that. In August our little boy came… again something I would never give up. I have an amazing job with opportunity to grow and a team around me that supports and believes in me. And yet, here I am longing to be back where I was one year ago. Life seemed so much simpler and I would wake up daily with peace – perhaps because of my mat, but I think because it was just simply easier. Now, it’s 5am daily wake up call for feeding, bathing, dressing an out the door (for both of us). Work eight, sometimes nine-plus hours and then back home. Forget everything else like laundry, grocery shopping, bills… LIFE… AND IT’S SO HARD.
I woke this morning after having multiple anxiety attacks the past two days and realized that I just can’t do it all. And this, perhaps, is one of the things I struggle with most. I really wish I could… and I try to. I try to be so strong and press on, taking each task one step at a time, cause how else am I going to get through it? Cause there really isn’t any area of my life that I can just drop, or at least shelve for a period of time, and when I find myself drowning as I have been for the past few days, this realization is a scary one. When you can’t shelve your responsibilities, even for a short time how do you press on?
I can’t say that I have any answers. Perhaps the whole point of this is to let others know, to be real with you, and let you know that I feel it to0, and I’m here as a person to cry with. Oh, and can I also tell you that it’s ok to cry?
I leave you with this one thought. If the only thing we can do every day is wake up and make the conscious decision to allow ourselves to feel the things we dread most, to feel weak and tired and sad and overwhelmed, and perhaps like we are drowning. And to allow ourselves to break down and cry, that perhaps might be the best decision we could possibly make at that time. Because on the other side of those feelings is the next step.
“Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we can see ourselves as we really are.” -Arthur Golden.